Tak ty si asi myslíš, že jsi tvrďák…


Aneb žádný vtip není dostatečně laciný, pokud je jeho cílem Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, „Two seconds till.“
After you ask, „Two seconds till what?“ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris‘ beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, „Don’t worry about it honey,“ and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, „Never question Chuck Norris.“

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in „Chuck Norris“ you get „Huck corn, sir.“ That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris‘ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is „Charles“. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying „booya“.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, „Bang!“

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more „humane“.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, „That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.“ then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norrisâ??s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, â??HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!â?? and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriendâ??s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, â??Donâ??t f*** with Chuck!â?? Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isnâ??t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually â??Chuck Norrisâ??more than meets the eye, Chuck Norrisâ??robot in disguise,â?? and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of â??beardâ??. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesusâ?? obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris doesnâ??t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the s*** out of viruses. Thatâ??s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can â??accidentallyâ?? beat the s*** out of little kids.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is â??hisâ?? way.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, â??Iâ??ll give you something to cry about,â?? and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan Oâ??Brienâ??s lever that shows clips from â??Walker: Texas Rangerâ?? and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conanâ??s wife.

No a pokud vás zajímá, jaké ukázky z Texas Rangera Conan O’Brian pouští a o co že to jde, tak hledejte zde. Mimochodem Conan O’Brien je můj nejoblíbenější komik tohohle typu a dost mě štve, že už delší dobu v nabídce naší kabelové televize NBC není…

Buďte první, komu se článek líbí.

Napsal(a) dne 8. 12. 2005 v 18:52
Kategorie: Film, televize a hudba


  • captainn napsal:

    A já už bych měl vážně najít toho Craniora, já vím. Ty vtipy jsou pekelné, velmi oceňuji ten, kde Chuck nespí. :)

  • captainn napsal:

    Teď jsem chvíli dumal u těch Walker videí, co že to hraje za hudbu v ukázce z ródea (clip #1) a přijde, že jsem to slyšel od press play on tape. Je to možný?

  • captainn napsal:

    A co to říká to dítě na závěr klipu #4, v tom kraválu mu nerozumím.

  • Case napsal:

    Hudba je hodně podobná jedné pasáži z Krakout, takže ano. Ale jestli je to ona… A otázka je, jestli si to naopak Krakout odněkud nevypůjčil..

    Ano, tomu dítěti jsem taky nerozuměl, ale našel jsem to na netu. Bez dalších komentářů…

    C.D. Parker: And how are you doing, little partner?
    Lucas Simms: Fine, and it’s little visitor now.
    Ranger Cordell Walker: [chuckles]
    Lucas Simms: Usdi adadamdvhidohi is how you say it in Cherokee.
    C.D. Parker: Oh, pardon my French, but I’ll be damned.
    Lucas Simms: Walker told me I have AIDS.

  • captainn napsal:

    Tak teď už Conanovu reakci chápu. :)

    No to bych se nedivil, že se Krakout někde inspiroval. Děkuji za pomoc.

  • nooly napsal:

    mnoo remixovali press play on tape vubec master krakout? nejak mi neni znamo =)

  • Case napsal:

    Nevím sice, co je Master Krakout, nicméně skladbu Krakout mají na svém prvním CD.

  • Algeroth napsal:

    Chuck Norris je tak drsný, že existuje Black Metal, Death Metal a Chuck Norris Metal.

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