Living at the edge of the world

Videa komika Roba Paravoniana mi poprvé pustil na letošním Trpasliconu plcarrot. Pak jsem na něj zase zapomněl, ale když se před pár dny stočila v jednom klubu debata na Kánon v D dur od Johanna Pachelbela, okamžitě jsem si na něj vzpomněl. Paravonian je totiž zpívající komik a jedno z jeho čísel je právě o téhle skladbě a o tom, jak se její akordový postup objevuje pořád dokola všude kolem nás (a o tom, že na zahrání spousty písniček stačí pár akordů). V jiném zase rozebírá nesmyslnost textů (konkrétně úvodní písničky ze seriálu Přátelé a písničky Every Morning od Sugar Ray).
Dá se toho od něj ale najít mnohem víc. Některé z těch záznamů nahrává na YouTube sám Paravonian – například i sérii „Život komika“ – doporučuji například díl o autech.
Samozřejmě to má jediný problém – je potřeba umět slušně anglicky a i tak je občas problém stíhat. Níže je tedy jako pomůcka pro ty, kteří by nestíhali, přepis zmíněného vystoupení na téma Kánon v D dur (překládat to nebudu, sorry). Navíc jsou tam zmíněny názvy všech citovaných a parodovaných písniček.

I will leave you with this little story, it’s about this piece of music…it’s a very popular piece of music, I’m sure you all know it, I’ll sing the melody right now…
Yeah, Pachelbel’s Canon in D. It’s a big hit in classical world…and I know this because I’m a geek. I know what you’re thinking…“Rob, you can’t be geek, you play guitar, you’re so cool!“…Okay, you weren’t thinking that, but I was.
Well, I haven’t always been this cool, because I wasn’t always playing guitar, I started out on a cello…Yeah, cello is a wonderful, beautiful instrument, it’s cool to be an adult that plays the cello, being the kid that played cello SUCKED…’cause there’s no way to be cool when your instrument’s larger than you. When you walk to school with the cello you’re like a wounded gaselle on Serengeti, man. The bullies just smell you coming from a mile away: „Oooh, I don’t know what that thing is, but I know I’m gonna break it!“
But I put up with all of the abuse because I loved the music that we played, I loved everything we played in orchestra…except this. I hate Pachelbel’s Canon in D with a passion. I hate it so much because the cello part is the worst cello part ever written in the history of cello parts…it’s eight quarter notes that we repeated over and over and they’re as follows:
D…A…B…F sharp…G…D…G…A.
And that’s all we got to play. We repeated those eight notes 54 times. I counted. Because I had nothing else to do. I would sit back and listen to the violins get lovely melodies, the violas would get lovely melodies, the second violins would get lovely melodies – which should just not happen…and the cello, we were stuck with eight crappy, lousy, stinking notes. And I began to wonder why, why would Pachelbel do that to us, such a beautiful instrument. And my theory was, he once dated a cellist…and she dissed him really bad…and for the rest of his life he came up with the worst cello parts you could ever think of.
And it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t hear him every day. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking „Rob, don’t listen to the classical radio anymore!“…I…it doesn’t matter. Pachelbel’s following me. It sounds paranoid, but he’s following you too, you hear him every day.
I don’t know, I went to my step-nephew-in-law eighth grade graduation and their graduation song was a song by Vitamin C…No!

(Vitamin C – Friends forever)
„As we go on, we’ll remember…“

So on a drive home I turned on some classic rock, some Aerosmith:

(Aerosmith – Cryin‘)
„There was a time when I was so broken-hearted…“

As I got home I thought I’d clear my mind with some folk music…no!

(Coven – One tin soldier)
„Listen children to my story, it was written long ago…“

They do Pachelbel, just like everybody does Pachelbel, just to torment me. I don’t even go to Taco Bell anymore, ‚cause it sounds too close. I hate Pachelbel with a passion. I don’t even know his first name…It’s probably Johann…they’re all named Johann…I only think about how he’s the original one-hit wonder…he had one hit 300 years ago and it’s my cross to bear my entire life…where are they now, that’s what I wanna know…where are you now, Pachelbel? VH1’s, I love the 1790’s, where is it?
And if he would just stay away from the music I love it would be better but he won’t, he’s shameless, he will follow me to the ends of the Earth…I went to Horde festival thinking „No, he couldn’t possibly follow me to the Horde festival“…but you know who’s at the Horde festival? Blues Traveler. That means Pachelbel’s also at the Horde festival:

(Blues Traveler – Hook)
„Suck it in suck it in suck it in
If you’re Anne Boleyn or Rin Tin Tin
Make a desperate move or else you’ll win…“

So I think I’m gonna listen to the punk rock for the rest of my life…no dice:

(Green Day – Basket Case)
„Do you have the time to listen to me whine…
You know I’m getting really bored
‚Cause all the songs have the same damn chords
Punk music is a joke, it’s really just baroque
Am I just paranoid?“

(Matchbox 20 – Push)
„I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will…“

(Better than Ezra – Good)
„Wahow, it’s been good living with you…“

(Bush – Machinehead)
„My machinehead is better than the rest
My machinehead is better than the…“

(U2 – With or without you)
„See the stone set in her eye
See the thorn twist in her…“

(Natalia Imbruglia – Torn)
„I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor…“

(Avril Lavigne – Sk8ter boi)
„He was a boy, she was a a girl,
cannot make it any more obvious…“

(Twisted sister – We’re not gonna take it)
„We’re not gonna take it
no, we ain’t gonna take it…“

(LaVerne and Shirley theme song)
„On your mark, get set, and go now
Got a dream and we just know now…“

(Bob Marley – No woman no cry)
„No woman no cry…“

(The Beatles – Let it be)
„When I find myself in times of trouble
Pachelbel’s always following me
I’ll see you in hell, Pachelbel

Oh Pachelbel, Pachelbel
I’ll see your ass in hell
I’ll see you in hell, Pachelbel!“

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